The Art Of "FARTING"

I dont know why as of late, all this funny topics just keep ringing in my head. After talking on how you clean your buttocks after your "warring session", something just kept beaming in my head. Then something struck me. Why do people feel ashamed after farting? Well of course for my good friend, its an exception, he comes to my place and farts everywhere. To him, its like "coughing", the only thing is , the tune of the sound, and the smell. He will be sitting on the couch, making funny fart sounds. Cheeky fool.
But most of us, especially Malaysian, thinks its an embarassment. Why is it so?



I noticed most of us Malaysians, (keyword = most), hides away once they've let that bomb go. They act as if people are gonna kill them for farting. Damn it, why do we have to be shy!? Is just a gas?~! Its a smell! Is a sound!! Dont ya'll love music!! Why be embarassed and start pointing to others after you have farted? (heh hypocrite i am)

Case 1

Boy A (lets call him Eric Chee), had potatoes for lunch. So as usual, in a crowd, people talk, laugh away. "A" without noticing launched the missile with a loud boom while he was laughing hysterically. Everyone there was stumped! There were a lot of people there, it was crowded, so it was hard to determine who farted, except for the one that did it. Boy "B" (Marcus) boldly stated, "Hey Eric! Was it you that just farted"
Without hesitating, "A" hastily said "NO!", and started to accuse others.


Case 2

Boy A (still eric), had potatoes for lunch, gathered in the crowd, started to talk, laugh. While laughing, he farted. Everyone went silent. They started to accuse each other, where else "A", who was the guilty one, started to keep quiet, shy away from the group.



He would slow down on conversations, try to shy away, not to be seen nor recognize, until the period, where the fart trauma has diminished.


Case 3

Boy A (Who else but eric), had potatoes for lunch, enjoyed the meal on the table with his group of friends. While he was talking and laughing, he didn't noticed he farted. He was enjoying himself and didn't noticed it coming. Seeing what has happened, he quickly accused the ones next to him

ERIC : "Aiyo marcus, why you fart so loud, polite lar abit, got girls here lar, people dulan lar"

Marcus : "It wasn't my fault~"
ERIC : "Thats what everyone say after they have farted"
Marcus : "..."


*disclaimer note* Eric and marcus are illusionary characters that i just thought of, the picture was an anonymous picture i got from my folder, it has no intent or direct point to whomever that is named eric.

Thats what response most will give. The people here need to be more open. Farting is a normal issue. Dont withhold it, release it. Dont stress yourself with unneccessary pressure. It is not what we want in life. It gives much relief that you have release something that is holding you down. Dont let the guilt of the smell go to you. Let your fart molecules say hello to the world. Be sporting, be cool, girls like guys that are outgoing and outright brave

Special Case

Boy A (*Eric again*), had roti telur for lunch. He gladly brought the baggage to the table where his friends were gathering. While he was eating, he talked and laughed together with the group. Without noticing, the fart was released, it whistled and boom its way around the crowd there. Eric, knowing that he was guilty...

ERIC : Hah! That was me, sorry sorry. Fragrant leh?
CROWD : ....
ERIC : I couldn't hold it, my apologies people.
CROWD : We forgive you man. Its cool that you can fart boldly

See! People would not hate you for farting, they wish more people are as outgoing as you. All they have wanted was a company or someone that starts it. Be the one, the sole one...the brave one.


Anyways back to more serious note, you people shouldn't be holding your farts. I know, formal events, going out with girlfriend/boyfriend you want to have a good night, no disturbance. Of course you dont want in the midst of your kissing with your partner, all of the sudden you couldn't control your "lower" part of your body (talking about the bottom), and then you farted. I guess kissing halfway, your partner will giggle and bite your tongue off.
In my opinion this are the few reasons WHY YOU SHOULDN'T HOLD YOUR FART!

1. YOU BLOAT YOUR STOMACH (GAS)

Farts are gas. Yup you heard me right, to those that do not know what your farts are, its gas. I dont want to go into details as to what it contains, ill just put things generally. You develop gas in your stomach after certain events, or what you eat. Your body emits out the gas through...
- Burping
- Farting
- Some other yoga method that someone has invented
Sometimes you have so much gas, that only burping wont help. You need to fart. You need to release a more proportion of the gas. You fart. You withhold it, you will bloat your stomach with gas. I tell you from my experience, you will feel terribly uncomfortable walking around with a bloated stomach. Its tiring, its painful and its, PATHETIC.

2. ITS BAD FOR YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS

Just one of the internal organs you may damage is your stomach. I wouldn't really say it damages it. I would rather put it, that it will enlarge and expand your stomach. To most of the people as of now, having their stomach bigger is not what they all desire. People want a slim body. 35-25-35. I heard it sorta damages your liver too, because all this farting gas contains toxic or some sort of bacteria. Its like sweating, its removing urea from your body. Same concept here, just that its air that your releasing.

3. YOUR APPEARANCE WILL BE TARNISHED (well...happens even after farting heh)

Im sure you all have once hold down your fart. What happens, you walk in a funny way. Your face shows an expression, upright funny and showing a lot of intensity and density.



Wouldn't it be more worth it to just blast that thing off, and walk confidently down the aisle? Nothing more than a comfort when your walking around.


4. REALISE THAT FARTING IS JUST NOT A NUISANCE, BUT A MUSICAL SENSE

Well this is abit out of topic. But some "Creative" people can always use fart sounds as a way to develop their music. If ya'll may notice, fart comes in different variety. There can be a controlled farting system, or just a random berzerk launch. Not to mention the smell of each fart that is deployed. There are thousands and thousands of sound you can make out of fart. You can create a sound, record it, play it, use it as a trivia (Guess the sound). Be the pioneer of "Fart Music", or "The Music Of Farts".

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You see, farting is after all not a harmful issue. Appreciate its nature, and people will soon look at its beauty. Well of course it has got its con. You dont expect to go to your dad or to your a guest doing..

YOU : Hey uncle! My fart got nice music, ill show you~~PoooT~
FATHER : You useless scum. Get into your room and not show up !!!

No one's as dumb as to do that right? Well maybe some of you jokers might wanna try that out.
See, i am not here only to tell you the disadvantages of holding up your farts, i will, from my own experience teach you how to hold one up when your in a situation where no smell and no unneccesary sound must come up.

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1. CLOSE YOUR "BOTTOMHOLE" TIGHTLY

Seemed easy eh, try it when your gonna burst. Tense your buttocks up. Close it up. Dont let it sneeze out. Close as tight as possible, this will force the fart to blow back inside instead of outside. So your stomach will absorb the smell, and the sound will be grouching in your stomach. That will keep you safe for awhile, but this will only encourage more farts bombing their way out. So whilst you've managed to hold it for awhile, you need to rush to an isolated place to blast it all off. Must do, or else ya'll feel very uncomfortable.

2. SIT TIGHTLY, WALK TIGHTLY

Never, never, never open your legs. As in opening it with the "V" shape. You'll just ease the way through for your farts to screech their way out. Keep it tight, walk tightly. It will be better if you walk with your legs tight to each one. That way, your farts will just squeak out or withhold itself.

3. CONTROL YOUR FART

This is a task with extraordinary skill needed. First you needed to practice it whenever you have the chance (that is when ur fart's coming). Sit down, control the opening of the hole. Control each coming and going of the gas. Dont let it squeak too loud. Let it come out slowly, one by one. Dont just blast the whole thing off. And try to open your hole carefully. If you open the hole abit too small, your fart will whistle, that will defeat its purpose. Control it. A few seconds later, you will manage to fart the whole gas out. And you will be safe. The smell wouldn't be so evident. So when you fart, just take notice of what you've eaten, the stronger smell your food is, the chances of a smelly fart is higher.

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There are many ways where people have conquer the art of farting. It is definitely a legacy and a skill people do not look up to. But its important and it will sort of determine your future life, your girlfriend, your career. You can't live a day without farting. Its utmost important. You will bloat and blast away.

Before i close this entry, there is this one fact i would like ya'll to know..

"If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produce to create the energy of an atomic bomb"
Whether is proven or not, i wouldn't know. But after seeing what my friend has done everytime he comes, i wouldn't doubt that will happen.

So remember, with the art of correct farting you no longer need to cover your act, shy away from crowd, or pixel yourself from the picture



You can now shine after each fart, knowing that nobody will know.